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I had the desire to write today.
I planted my head on my pillow and reflected on the past year and what I've managed to accomplish.

1. I've developed strong relationships with certain individuals in my life. I've concluded that there are actually still good people out there who care and love me almost more than they love themselves. I've endured my moments where I felt damn near helpless and these people slapped reality and hope back into me.

2. Self improvement is always beneficial in ones life. The people who are around you all the time are your best critics and the critics tell me I have to work on my patience. I've been cursed with impatience and due to this my reactions towards others can sometimes be uncalled for. I vow to work on this lol! Rome wasn't built overnight so I'll have to bare with myself.

3. Out with the old in with the new. I've become very distant to several scenes and various people. It's actually been better for me. Making excuses to be affiliated with people I can't stand or going places that  are pointless came to an end. Weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

4. Money has been made. Now I'm not a money maniac, but it is rewarding when the work is being put in and the results reflect the effort. I've raised the bar for myself and plan to reach further pinnacles. I'm not always the best self motivator or self starter but my team has pushed me every step of the way and I don't see them stopping now.

Those are just a few of the things I've reflected on, there's obviously a bit more. I don't share these thoughts to involve people in my world, I share them so that it reminds others to take a second to reflect on their life.

Dear Dad

A withered rose has lost its structure

Its value and lust,

That same rose once brought passion

and awe with its beauty,

It was appreciated by the eyes

But what did it do for the heart?

You see its not how we look at things

Its about how we feel things,

Our connection, our understanding

The lasting impression you left on my life

Was inevitable

Sometimes I want to hate you

But like that rose 

I must recollect what it once was

To the eye

And what it has done to my heart

I can’t say I love you because 

Your daughter’s not weak

I thought I knew what a man was

But all i knew was you

The frail rose blows with the wind

No strength no will

Just fucking helpless

It looks how it feels

I’d never shed a tear for you

I’ve watched you get to this point

So many times I needed a Dad not a friend

If you weren’t satisfied inside you should’ve

Curled up and been faded 

At least you would have came real

Fuck roses

Love

Dear J:
Does anyone really know what love is? Well when I say that word it reflects an indescribable feeling. It brings an overwhelming happy feeling. Love is unconditional so if you sit there and describe why you love someone, your putting a condition on it because if that person didn't posses that or if they lose that you won't love them. So let love be free don't limit its to definition, but don't exceed its use because then it deteriorates from its worth. We don't know how to love but we do it everyday whether we want to or not. Life's to short not to love; so if you love someone don't hesitate to let them know, even if you just think you love them just let them know. Its the simple things that bring us to this feeling; the fact that your mom is by your side no matter what you do, or is it that guy who notices you changed the colour on your toes, or maybe your bestfriend whose shoulder is constantly soaked from your tears, whoever or whatever it is it falls under love. In Gr.9 my religion teacher told me love is an act not a feeling, that bitch is stupid because unless she can give me a name for the way I felt when I looked into a niggers eyes I'm not to sure I'm with her on that. I love my boy J and I wrote this for him because I honestly feel like I haven't been able to motivate myself either. Just when that feeling came over me I notice the people around me who read me like a book, threw their arms out; when you open up to certain people the respect level climbs and just when you thought you were alone in this world they are right there beside you trying to uplift you. Why? Love. Love is the only thing stronger than money it takes a wise person to understand that. But for now I'm out.

What's the purpose of signs? Because I thought they were suppose to be read. Okay better question, what are the purpose of signs if you are intentionally going to make your words contradict your actions? The mystery keeps me hanging on I won't lie, but I'd just like to hear it. I've been here before, and last time I was here I stayed too long then fucked it up; I fucked it up intentionally. Someone's waiting for someone to stop the bullshit. I don't show signs I just keep it to myself, the best poker face in the game, I don't see the point...maybe you don't either. Maybe you understand the concept of the line, there's nothing wrong with walking on it just don't cross it. Maybe I'm just wrong and it's all me. Why the fuck am I over thinking this. This is stupid of me. On another note I've been sober for some time now and it's not so bad.

Single

Aside from not having body heat in my bed, what am I missing? I honestly get affection, I get sex, and I have someone to bitch too when I feel crumy...I am so confused about what a relationship is, sorry I meant being in one. I've met 5 people to date who are okay with their partners messing with other people as long as there is a justification...---> O_o *my face*....am I old school? Last time i checked the only time it was okay to cheat was if you were okay with the consequence of me leaving you. I've assisted cheating men in my past because I was put under the illusion that they were single but no...they were just cheating, openly cheating; they were more comfortable with telling their girl we were fucking than telling me that they were taken. Who makes the rules anyways though? Maybe I'm wrong and they're right. Maybe there is no wrong or right, all I know is that I'm three years into my lonesome lovely relationship and I feel happy single.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Some days are easier than others....but the rough days seem to drag me by my foot n scrape my forehead...literally. I get so high on life that when I crash I crash hard. WTF it was just yesterday I was sitting on top of the world, how the fuck did I get back here? I've been used....constantly used, been to stupid to realize it. I've seen it happen to others and I've said I can't relate, while preaching this, its happening to me in another way. No more drinking for me to ease my thoughts, I'm just going to sit through it. I'm going to sit beside myself and evaluate, a little conversation. I can't keep relapsing when it comes to people because I find my frustration level rises, I black listed them for a reason. Too many chances! We are all hypocrites whether we believe it or not, but that doesn't mean that its okay. We can't just sit here satisfied with that. I need a purge. When you throw everything out without even looking, just throwing and throwing.......I'm going to take a deep breath and throw

THE GREAT CONVERSATION

*Dah dah dah* SEX!!! It never fails that sex is the conversation that boys and girls can't wait to get to, it's like no one has regards to time or location when it comes to that! Dinner table, car, stroll in the park for crying out loud, let's just get that soft mushy stuff out the way and get to sex. I love hearing the feedback from both parties, I love the fact that some people don't understand we all want different things, and of course NO ONE in these conversations are bad at sex. No one has a small dick, no one sucks dick, no one cuddles, and no one goes less than 25mins...nope never fails. I love the part where guys talk about hitting the G spot and how many girls they've made squirt and how my dudes aren't doing me right. I'm not going to lie that's how conversation gets exciting yet awkward, because after talking about sex where does conversation go after "So how about them blue jays?".... It pretty much has to enter an awkward stage until something half as interesting can be thought of...Sex makes for a great conversation